The empire waist: A fashion element that makes everyone look pregnant!

It’s the “new car” rule. Until you buy a Toyota Corolla, you don’t notice that there are a TON of them on the road. No sooner than you drive off the lot with yours, in Graphite Blue, do you see 14 others exactly like it on your four-block drive home.

Same goes for butterfly tattoos. I didn’t realize the entire world had the same tattoo until I got one. Suddenly, I was no longer unique and different, I was just one of many tramp-stamped butterfly-lovers. *sigh*

When you start thinking about having babies, that’s when you first notice all the pregnant people in the world. At the grocery store, at Target, at concerts, at the pool, at Epcot Center… they’re like locusts, bringing a plague upon your people of…. well, more people.  As you get further into the baby-making routine, most women get more sensitive to sighting pregnant chicks in public, so it only gets worse from there.

I’m never pissed off at these strange women (not yet), but it’s a small kick in the face. It feels like God is laughing at me, pointing his finger in my face every time he puts a pregnant chick in my line of sight.

If there’s one place in the world where you can guarantee everyone else there is as not-pregnant as you are, it’s the infertility clinic. But when I started seeing my infertility doc, I began to notice that she was a little… shall we say, oddly rotund. As the months went by, her white coat was buttoned less and less, and I thought she had either canceled her gym membership or she was carting around a passenger in her pouch. Soon, the answer was clear.

The infertility doctor has a bun in the oven.

It’s really a huge bummer when the oh-so-helpful and supportive doctor who’s been holding your hand from Day One becomes The Enemy. Okay, she wasn’t really the enemy, but she had what the rest of us wanted. To her credit, she tried to keep it covered up (literally). And she never, ever mentioned her own pregnancy or her upcoming maternity leave.

But still.  Really? Really?

New rule, I just made it up: Women who work in infertility clinics go on maternity leave in month 6 of their pregnancy. For their own health, so they can avoid the clientele shooting “I hate you” eye daggers at them while they’re incubating. And for the sake of the infertile women walking by them and thinking, “Dammit. The entire world is pregnant except for me.”

Why stop now? Keep reading, friend.

  • “You just need to relax. Then you’ll get pregnant.”June 2, 2011 “You just need to relax. Then you’ll get pregnant.” If you tell someone they need to lose weight to get pregnant, you're basically calling them fat. By telling me I need to relax, what's that saying?
  • Like a kid at ChristmasJune 23, 2014 Like a kid at Christmas We didn't find out Peanut's gender before she was born, and we don't know Squeak's either. Here's why you should do the same.
  • “Should you be drinking? Aren’t you trying to get pregnant?”June 28, 2011 “Should you be drinking? Aren’t you trying to get pregnant?” I do not even want to describe the fate that awaits he (or she) who stands between a grieving woman going through infertility and her ice-cold beer.
  • A Questionable QuestionJuly 19, 2013 A Questionable Question Is it ever okay to ask someone if their twins are the result of in vitro fertilization? Because sometimes, I really really want to ask.
  • Becoming a Bitter InfertileSeptember 29, 2011 Becoming a Bitter Infertile You know that whole "don't judge me 'til you've walked a mile in my shoes" thing I am always preaching? I realized today that I am really, really bad at following my own advice.