“But that’s the fun part, right?”

Jul 27, 2011

I talked in my last blog about the meager amount of time a woman is actually fertile each cycle.  Because hitting the fertile window is important, that means having a lot of sex.

So when people hear that we’re trying, I often get this: “But ‘trying’ is the fun part, right?” They usually add little air-quotes around “trying,” with a wink and a sideways grin.

Well… that depends on how you define “fun.”

TMI Alert!

I’ll be totally honest here. My husband and I are not “sex every day” kind of people.  We’re not even “sex every other day” or “sex every 3rd day” people. We are “sex every 4-5 days* or so” folk. And you know what? There’s not a damn thing wrong with that.

(Married women — don’t ever compare the amount of sex you have to any other couple. All that matters is whether the two of you are okay with the amount of sex you have.  Let me repeat — ALL THAT MATTERS is that THE TWO OF YOU are okay with it. No one else’s opinion matters. And that’s what any marriage counselor worth her salt will tell you.)

When we started this baby-making journey, we were advised to have sex every other day for 12 days. By day 6, we were exhausted. The last word we would have used to describe what we were being forced to do was “fun.”  There were tears and slammed doors and lots of frustration.

I’m okay with having sex on a schedule, so long as it’s OUR schedule. Not some Turkish dude in a white coat’s, or a 6-foot redhead who says “cervical mucus” a lot.

Please, make it stop!

I may not speak for everyone, but I think I speak for the majority when I say:  most married couples have sex as often as they feel like it. Trying to get pregnant doesn’t create extra minutes in the day, or give you a blast of testosterone that takes you back to your college days, when daily sex was AWWWWWE-SOME!

It gets old fast. Really fast.

Having to up your sex is fun for a little while, but it gets old really fast. When you have to do it every day for almost two weeks, it becomes just another chore, something you try to do as quickly as possible.

(Plus, only 20% of women can “finish the job” with just the twig and berries, which means that she’s likely to be staring at the ceiling the whole time, thinking of all the crap she should be doing instead of this.)

Yes, sex is fun.  Especially if you do it right (which in my experience involves a lot more than 20 minutes).

“Trying to get pregnant” sex is NOT fun. It’s sex on the clock, whether you’re in the mood or not. And don’t forget the pressure involved for the dude, who’s on the spot to perform. Nothing like pressure to speed up your climax, right?

It’s sex with stupid rules:  no artificial lubrication (except vegetable oil — mmm, sexy!), no saliva (which takes ALL the fun out of it), and positions are limited to those that allow a quick transition to legs-in-the-air.  Oh so romantic.

It’s a world of difference from leisurely ‘let’s just try and see if this works, and if not, no big deal!’ sex. THAT is the fun kind.

So next time someone is trying (especially if they are seeing a doctor for help), just remember that it’s unlikely their sex life is wink-worthy. For them, the fun part is when it’s over.


*My husband has requested that I add a note here, explaining that HE is actually a “sex every 3rd day” guy. But since he married an “about once a week” girl, he gave up. (I have my doubts about this, but if he wants to pretend to be Mr. Sexy Time, I can let it slide.)

About Me

Hiya! I'm Lydia. I live in Iowa with my husband and two children, both the result of iVF. I started this blog in 2011, so everything here's a wee bit... old. I don't do a ton of writing anymore... but I'm leaving the blog up, in case it's helpful for those who stumble across it.

Skip to the iVF

If you're going through infertility and want to see our journey, start in June 2011 (first two cycles) or January 2014 (third cycle). Hopefully reading about our rollercoaster with assisted reproduction brings you a little hope, and more than a few giggles. (Keep in mind that this information is over a decade old in most cases; please don't take anything you read here as medical advice. Consult your doctor for facts.)

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  1. Amen, sista! It’s amazing how quickly a fun activity can turn into an eye-rolling, “do we HAVE to?” experience. Keep your chin (and legs) up!

  2. Hee hee… no kiddin’!

  3. Totally agree with you. Anyone who says that trying is the fun part has A) Never “tried” or B) Gotten pregnant very easily.

  4. AMEN! 🙂

  5. Your husband probably wants sex twice as much as he is leading on but loves you too much to give you a guilt trip over it. The every third day is his sex compromise set point…sorry to post to an old blog. I hope you were successful. Sex as a duty isn’t fun for either party,the man wants his woman to enjoy him as much as he enjoys her, if you are just doing your duty, he knows and sex isn’t fulfilling for him. Just a man’s opinion, best of luck to you.


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