You know that whole “don’t judge me ’til you’ve walked a mile in my shoes” thing I am always preaching?
I realized today that I am really, really bad at following my own advice.
I never understood those women who were going through infertility and simply couldn’t be around pregnant women, newborns, or toddlers. They turned down invites to baby showers, stayed away from shopping malls, and scowled at pregnant bellies. I thought they were overdramatic and taking things way too seriously.
Right up until I became one of them. And it happened when I heard the news: IVF cycle #1 was a big fat negative.
Well, I’m not completely one of those bitter infertiles. I am not quite that unhinged, yet. I still snuggle my nephews and niece, and talk to coworkers about their kiddos. But I am starting to understand what the Drama Mommas feel when they reach that point.
Get off my stinkin’ newsfeed
I’m hesitant to admit it, but I hit an embarrassing milestone in my infertility this week. I hid someone with a newborn from my Facebook News Feed. I felt terrible after I did it. But after I broke the ice with one, I hid two more. To be honest, it was a huge relief.
Let me be clear. Those women aren’t doing a damn thing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad. Inevitably, I’ll get a hard time for this, like many women in my position do. The baby-owners sometimes get angry, wondering why we can’t just be happy for them?
But I am happy for them. It’s just buried way down deep, in a place I can’t connect with at this moment. My own anger is taking center stage, and I’m sorry — I’m not a big enough person to squelch it. I wish I were. I didn’t expect to arrive in Bitterville and Snarkytown, but it happened anyway. Hello, unattractive and embarrassing emotion! Can you leave now?
It’s like being the poorest person in a group of friends. You can only stand so many new cars and iPads under your nose. Yep, I’m jealous (unless the baby is really bad sleeper or very unattractive; then I’m not — tee hee). Mostly it’s anger at the world for giving someone else the means to get a new car/iPad/baby when people who work really hard for it get ZIP.
I sacrificed — a LOT. My butt is STILL black and blue from the injections, and in kickboxing class, I had to hold onto both cheeks during the high-knee running. My ass is still killing from the PIO shots.
Screw you, world. I’m taking my ball and going home.
Your blog is great! This year I’ve secured my citizenship in the bitterville country. I can’t wait to start our second round of fresh IVF so I can finally limp like Kwazimodo… I hope you feel better soon.
If you hid me that’s ok. I would never be mad at you for that. So sorry to hear round 1 did not work. All of your feelings and actions are justified. Do whatever the hell makes you feel better!
So glad to have found this blog! I had my first BFN from IVF in September as well. I totally get the anti-baby thing as well. I cant handle it when I am out and my mother looks at a child walking past and starts talking about how cute they are. I dont want to be such a grich but…there it is.
Stephanie, it’s OK to be a grinch. I think we deserve a certain amount of understandable grinchyness. It’s hard too when it’s your mom. Mine said last week, “I haven’t had a chance to read your pregnancy blog.” I was seriously irritated — IT’S NOT A PREGNANCY BLOG! IT’S THE ABSOLUTE OPPOSITE OF A PREGNANCY BLOG, FOR F*&^K’S SAKE!
Okay. Got that out of my system.
“My own anger is taking center stage, and I’m sorry — I’m not a big enough person to squelch it. I wish I were.”
This just made me laugh and brought me to tears at the same time. Could have written it myself. Holla!
Yeah well infertiles ARE guilty of the pain they cause single moms/dads and their kids that they pay henchmen (adoption agencies) to force/badger/bully their babies away from them and their baby’s identity away from their baby.
For that they go to hell, for that all men and women worldwide should slap their faces and flip them off. For that, they are the biggest losers on earth and never deserved a kid to begin with. Ditto for the psycho cases that use surrogates (and then fight them when they want to keep THEIR flesh and blood).
The bottom line is infertile women are mentally ill and unstable and should be court ordered into a facility so they can’t hurt innocent people anymore, because all of you ARE AT FAULT for how you handle your problem and for that you deserve NO sympathy at all.
Heather, it sounds like you have some personal issues that are somehow related to adoption and infertility. I’m certain that the entire population of infertile women does NOT deserve your vitriol. I hope you can find some peace.