After our fresh cycle failed in September, I had to wait through two periods before the next step—a Frozen Embryo Transfer, or FET—would take place. And after that emotional dagger in the gut, I was more than happy to take an Infertility Vacation.
I settled in to wait 28 to 32 days for the next cycle to arrive (that’s code for “getting your period”), and as I explained in this blog entry, I hit 37 days without anything happening. I called the docs to get a prescription that I thought would get things moving quickly.
Not so much. The way your cycle works is this: the lining of your uterus only knows it’s supposed to shed after sensing a big drop in progesterone. If you never ovulate, the progesterone never gets high enough to drop very far. So to incite a period, they have to first build up your progesterone levels with medication, then cut off the supply so it plummets. Bingo, Aunt Flow. Unpleasant mission accomplished!
I took my meds as directed, and I was at 51 days when the un-fun visitor finally arrived.
A total lack of enthusiasm
Docs were called and we scheduled the frozen transfer for early December. (My previously scheduled June baby [which was going to be an awesome summer maternity leave] is now a late August baby. Nine months pregnant in August! Awesome!! I am overjoyed at the thought of super-pregnant me in 100-degree heat.)
The day Aunt Flow came was kind of a momentous day, but not because I was overjoyed and rarin’ to go. I was actually thinking of it, honestly, as the beginning of the end. Which got me feeling guilty once again.
Apparently there doesn’t exist a picture of a pregnant human female who looks terrified. Those bitches are all smiling for the camera. LIARS. Instead, I found a really pregnant and scared pug. Poor thing.
I’m jumping through hoops to get pregnant, so shouldn’t I be ecstatic about this baby-to-be? Shouldn’t I be so psyched and ready for my life as I know it to go away? All I could think was, “Oh dammit, I better play all the volleyball I can while I’m still able…” and “I’m really going to miss my Tuesday night women’s league if this works.”
And then, “Oh crap. I’m playing in a reverse coed tournament a week after my transfer, I wonder if it’s still okay to play? This baby is already ruining my plans.” (Hmm… all my objections are volleyball-related… maybe I have a volleyball problem?)
Is this NORMAL? Am I making a huge mistake?
Call me Jillian Michaels—no really, do, because then I can pretend I look like her. 🙂 She’s terrified of getting pregnant and screwing up her carefully crafted physique, and I feel the same way (except it’s my carefully crafted LIFE I’m worried about losing).
But is anyone ever ready? Is this why pregnancies take the better part of a year, so you can get used to the idea?
I’m serious, Moms. Tell me what you think.
This might be long, sorry. I don’t even have my baby yet, but I have already had to make significant changes to my already boring life to accomodate a baby. A few weeks ago I visited Chicago for a reunion with college friends. I have no problem with not drinking, but I REALLY REALLY love to dance at clubs, and I never, ever get to do it at a real club with tons of people and super loud house music. We went to John Barleycorn, and I was afraid that the music and accompanying vibrations were way too loud and baby was letting me know that too, so I went downstairs by myself and sat for two hours waiting for my friends to party themselves out. I had nothing to do, no one to talk to, and I was sitting in an unfamiliar place in an unfamiliar town. I was completely OK with it because I knew I was protecting this unborn baby’s developing hearing. It was really weird because a few months ago I probably would have thrown a fit or at least sulked for not getting to party too. I think once you know that you’re growing an actual human life inside you, the things you once thought were super important are still cool, but not the MOST important thing.
That makes a lot of sense, Jessica. 🙂 Thank you for sharing. I didn’t know that babies were that sensitive to sound in utero… good to know!
What do I think? You are normal! I was someone who spent my twenties building my career, traveling, working out, coming and going as I please, etc.
It did all hit me around 30 that I knew things would be changing; I had this preconceieved notion that having a baby= no life. I won’t sugar- coat=the first 6 months are REALLY hard. Breatfeeding and other challenges super tough, but rewarding. The sleep deprivation can make you batty.
But you will come out the other side…and it’s just amazing to bond w/ your child and watch him/her grow and view the work through his/her eyes. And you will still have a career and all that jazz. You’ll make it work and figure it out.
Thank you for not sugarcoating. I think the thought of the first year is what’s terrifying me the most. But I’m sure it will fly by. Well, okay, I HOPE it will. 🙂
No. you are never “ready”. Being pregnant was a total pain in my ass, and i had a super easy pregnancy – even throughout the summer! If successful, you will definitely lose your carefully crafted life..there is no doubt about it and the 9 months of pregnancy does NOT prepare you for that. It’s a learn as you go kind of thing. I like to think that there are things you can do to help yourself out by being proactive. And I know that you are a proactive kinda girl. You’ll be fine. And I played vb until week 14ish…it just felt weird to play. But I know other women who have played well into their pregnancies. Crossing my fingers for you on the 9th!!!
Thanks Jules. I hope it’s an easy pregnancy. I don’t want to be one of those high maintenance pregnant girls who doesn’t do anything physical at all, not because it doesn’t feel right but because she’s terrified… It will be hard, after all this trouble and time, not to fall victim to the “OK I’m going to sit on the couch for 3 months til I’m out of miscarriage territory” mentality. <3
So, in answer to your question, “is anyone ever really ready?”, For me, it was a personal yes and no. Yes I was ready to have a little baby of my own, after all, I’ve been watching other people’s babies and children since I was 11. Seriously. BUT, at the end of the day I could go home BY MYSELF. lol. We “planned” both of our children. With baby #1, we had been married for almost 6 months when we started trying. Roughly a year later, we welcomed home a baby boy. 2 years later we decided to give it another shot. Hell, what’s one more, right? 🙂 There are days (even today when we’ve got a 4 year old and 16 month old running around) when I wonder if I was ready, REALLY ready. Some days I’d say yes. I love being a mom. My kids have become my life. But, for me, it was kind of what I expected since I was a little girl. I didn’t really have an active social life, I didn’t go out and party, and I’m kind of really a home-body some days, so my children haven’t changed my life that way. But they’ve made it so much better in other ways. But some days I wonder if I would or even could have been a better parent if I had waited to “grow up” a little and spread my wings out farther before settling down and becoming a parent. In the end, I don’t think anyone is ever “REALLY ready” but you buckle down, make do and enjoy the ride. Now that I’ve written a novel and rambled off more than I should have I’ll shut up. For now. 😀
You’re right, Cassi — I think “ready” is relative to how much your life is slated to change before vs. after. But it’s a personal thing, right? Thank you for sharing, and don’t worry – this is a complicated question that warrants a long answer. Novels are fine by me! <3
OMG! No one is ever ready! I was 31 when I had my first. So, I had a very nice little life going on. After the baby’s arrival I had a very hard time adjusting to this new responsibility. Probably close to a little postpartum depression as I thought about all the freedom I had given up. I probably cried every day for the first 3 weeks and I agree that the first 6 months are hell. Breastfeeding was horrible for me so that added to the stress. After all of this I still decided to have a second child. Look at parenthood as the “lifetime value” of a child. The first 6 months are horrible but the lifetime ROI far outweighs that sacrifice.
OK, that makes me feel a little better… not about those first six months, but everything after. I try to think of it as lifetime ROI (is that the MBA in you coming out?) too. Will need to work a little harder to convince my husband of that, lol! Thanks for putting in your two cents, Em. I feel better. <3
Get out of my head! I am going for a FET in January, and I have these thoughts as well. I’m not going to be able to plan a trip with my cousins next fall. I’m in the middle of purchasing another restaurant right now, and keep thinking about how I am going to handle the next few months if I am sick or tired all the time….the list goes on. Nice to know someone else feels the same way!