After our fresh cycle failed in September, I had to wait through two periods before the next step—a Frozen Embryo Transfer, or FET—would take place. And after that emotional dagger in the gut, I was more than happy to take an Infertility Vacation.

I settled in to wait 28 to 32 days for the next cycle to arrive (that’s code for “getting your period”), and as I explained in this blog entry, I hit 37 days without anything happening. I called the docs to get a prescription that I thought would get things moving quickly.

Not so much.  The way your cycle works is this: the lining of your uterus only knows it’s supposed to shed after sensing a big drop in progesterone. If you never ovulate, the progesterone never gets high enough to drop very far. So to incite a period, they have to first build up your progesterone levels with medication, then cut off the supply so it plummets. Bingo, Aunt Flow. Unpleasant mission accomplished!

I took my meds as directed, and I was at 51 days when the un-fun visitor finally arrived.

A total lack of enthusiasm

Docs were called and we scheduled the frozen transfer for early December. (My previously scheduled June baby [which was going to be an awesome summer maternity leave] is now a late August baby. Nine months pregnant in August! Awesome!! I am overjoyed at the thought of super-pregnant me in 100-degree heat.)

The day Aunt Flow came was kind of a momentous day, but not because I was overjoyed and rarin’ to go. I was actually thinking of it, honestly, as the beginning of the end.  Which got me feeling guilty once again.

Pregnant and terrified pug

Apparently there doesn’t exist a picture of a pregnant human female who looks terrified. Those bitches are all smiling for the camera. LIARS. Instead, I found a really pregnant and scared pug. Poor thing.

I’m jumping through hoops to get pregnant, so shouldn’t I be ecstatic about this baby-to-be? Shouldn’t I be so psyched and ready for my life as I know it to go away? All I could think was, “Oh dammit, I better play all the volleyball I can while I’m still able…” and “I’m really going to miss my Tuesday night women’s league if this works.”

And then, “Oh crap. I’m playing in a reverse coed tournament a week after my transfer, I wonder if it’s still okay to play? This baby is already ruining my plans.”  (Hmm… all my objections are volleyball-related… maybe I have a volleyball problem?)

Is this NORMAL?  Am I making a huge mistake?

Call me Jillian Michaels—no really, do, because then I can pretend I look like her. 🙂 She’s terrified of getting pregnant and screwing up her carefully crafted physique, and I feel the same way (except it’s my carefully crafted LIFE I’m worried about losing).

But is anyone ever ready?  Is this why pregnancies take the better part of a year, so you can get used to the idea?

I’m serious, Moms. Tell me what you think.

Why stop now? Keep reading, friend.

  • The Chuck Norris of IVFNovember 1, 2013 The Chuck Norris of IVF When faced with the prospect of sticking a 1-1/2 inch needle in my own arse, I turn into a huge coward. I need a little roundhouse-kickin' inspiration.
  • Lucky BitchesApril 24, 2013 Lucky Bitches Though my infertility is technically history, the experience -- and the feelings that came with it -- never truly goes away.
  • Fertility CoverageMarch 15, 2013 Fertility Coverage For some women battling infertility, the decision comes down to making a baby or making the mortgage. Our insurance laws suck.
  • “Why are you so bitchy?”June 8, 2011 “Why are you so bitchy?” What does an infertility-related meltdown look like? It doesn't take much to trigger it after some bad news... a lesson I learned the hard way.
  • WTF is a WTF appointment?October 9, 2011 WTF is a WTF appointment? They call it the "WTF Appointment" -- the one you have with the doctors after your IVF fails, where they can't give you any reason why it didn't work. Nor can they tell you anything that's really of value at all. So we just decided not to […]