People can really surprise you.

Sep 12, 2011

In the two weeks leading up to my egg retrieval, two things happened. Both gave me a glimpse into human nature and the way we treat each other.  One uplifting, the other disappointing. All the same, it’s revealing.

First, an old college girlfriend, Kristen, started chatting with me on Facebook. We chat on occasion, when we have something to talk about — like a mutual friend who married a dude she just met, or the Hawkeyes’ pathetic collapse in the fourth quarter. She lives 5 hours away. I don’t have her phone number, and I don’t have her email — we’re simply Facebook buddies.

So here we are, chatting one afternoon, and Kristen says, “I wanted to talk to you about something before I announced it to the rest of Facebook. My husband and I are expecting again, and I wanted to tell you first.”

I was floored. And thanks to all the hormones I was injecting on a daily basis, I started tearing up immediately.  For Kristen to think of stupid little me at this very important moment in her life was just…. wonderful.

Don’t get me wrong — I don’t expect all 328 of my Facebook friends to think about me before the big announcement. It seems reasonable to expect that from my close friends, those who know what’s happening. But the fact that this casual friend was sweet enough to tell me before telling the rest of the Facebook-sphere…  I was speechless. I still am.

A few days later, the morning before my egg retrieval, I got an email from a close friend — a woman I’d been friends with since Kindergarten.

Let me preface this by saying that I’ve always had trouble with female friendships. I grew up with 3 sisters, and with all those girls in the house, we tended to say exactly what we thought, hurtful or not:

“Yes, those jeans make you look fat.”  *ducks to avoid softball thrown across room*

But sisters are different — you can say things that are awful, and they forgive you anyway. The funny thing about friends:  they don’t have to.

And over the years, when I’ve been a little too honest, several of mine have chosen to walk away.  So having had this particular friend for nearly 25 years was a point of pride for me.  I never really stopped to analyze the friendship; I didn’t really think about those things. I was just excited that it existed at all.

But when it came to an end, via a 4-sentence email, the day before my egg retrieval, I was devastated.  And shaking as I typed a quick reply, asking for an explanation. Then crying rather uncontrollably for the better part of a half hour, trying to make sense of it. Then I was just furious.

The reason for the “break up” wasn’t clear, but it must have been good enough for her to break the news to me the day before my egg retrieval. The one week out of the year I was supposed to remain stress-free.

I’ve stopped trying to understand the reason behind the break-up. I don’t expect an answer to my email. I’m still hurt, incredibly so. But I’ll get over it. As more time goes by, I gain clarity about what our “friendship” really was, and the fact that it was probably not a rewarding relationship for either of us.

But man, that timing…

Like I said, people can surprise you. Too bad it’s not always good.

About Me

Hiya! I'm Lydia. I live in Iowa with my husband and two children, both the result of iVF. I started this blog in 2011, so everything here's a wee bit... old. I don't do a ton of writing anymore... but I'm leaving the blog up, in case it's helpful for those who stumble across it.

Skip to the iVF

If you're going through infertility and want to see our journey, start in June 2011 (first two cycles) or January 2014 (third cycle). Hopefully reading about our rollercoaster with assisted reproduction brings you a little hope, and more than a few giggles. (Keep in mind that this information is over a decade old in most cases; please don't take anything you read here as medical advice. Consult your doctor for facts.)

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  1. We’ve never met. I’m friends with Nathan on facebook. I am shocked that anyone, esp. A “friend”, would be anything but grateful for your allowing them into your thoughts, emotion, and experiences through what is a very important process in your life. It’s not only a chance to know you more intimately, but to understand what countless others face in their life and to be more aware of the human struggle. I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot of female friends because I don’t get the catty selfcentered way of thing i’ve so often experienced. If you’re rude, i’ll tell you; those jeans are unflattering and you ask my opinion then I don’t see how I’m doing you any favors to lure about it. I knorr it sucks to lose a friend… But you’re right, I’m not sure it sounds like that person really was a friend.

  2. Thanks for your comment, Angela. Girls can be awful to each other. Sometimes it’s easier to hang out with dudes. <3

  3. And yet another reason why I’m not a lesbian. Even though Nathan thinks my vehicle says otherwise. 🙂 Look at the bright side of ending that long, hard relationship with someone so caddy to do put her feels about your blog (that she easily could not read) in front of an actual struggle that someone is going through…just think when you did start popping little ones out. You know she would have told you how to parent if not disapproved how your raised your child. Especially if the big man (supposedly) upstairs wasn’t involved. She blows. I <3 u.

  4. I think I mentioned this in passing to you and Nathan when you were here, but my high-school best friend of nearly 30 years ended our friendship without an explanation other than his new “lifestyle” made our friendship obsolete. In retrospect, I can certainly say that ours was not a deep one, but a convenient one, yet how does one become so callous as to just walk away without any explanation, any goodbye? I’m not as callous and will probably always err on the side of friendship being a vital part of any human existence, but some people just amaze me. I wish I could say that you’ll get over the loss of her friendship quickly, but you will eventually, and hopefully someone more worthy will take her place.

  5. I recently had a falling out with one of my closest friends, although I was ultimately the one who cut ties. Ending a friendship is never easy…

    • Sorry to hear it, Emily. <3 to you. You're right, it's never easy. Girls especially suck at telling each other why the friendship is over. We're awful.

  6. First off, I’d like to say that your blog is outstanding! Wish I had found it sooner.

    My BFF breakup trumps them all …..

    She told me that my “obsession to have a baby is clouding my judgement and ruining my friendships!”

    How do ya like them apples?!?!


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