Anyone who’s trying to get pregnant uses Facebook at their peril. Inevitably, they will have to see the “Big Announcement” status updates, all of which are required to end in at least one exclamation point:
“We’re looking forward to a new addition in September!”
“We’re so excited to be adding two ‘feet’ to our home this fall!!”
“It’s true — we’re pregnant! Due date is June 12th — a Gemini baby!!!”
“We’re going into the baking business, starting with our first bun in the oven!!!!”
Worst of all, you will most certainly be subjected to the Facebook equivalent of waterboarding: NURSERY PHOTOS.
One example of a not-brag-worthy nursery. Sorry, lady who did this. I am not impressed.
Now, nursery photos are OK under one condition: you’ve created something awesome and want to brag. For example, if you managed to decipher IKEA’s assembly instructions and put the crib together singlehandedly, with no leftover parts, you’re welcome to post a snapshot of your accomplishment. Sweet!
Otherwise, I find it difficult to conjure up happiness that you bought a crib and stuck it in a corner next to a matching dresser and put a wall hanging above them both. If this is a major accomplishment for you, great, but I am guessing you’re just trying to keep up with the Joneses to prove that you, too, can decorate a nursery. I’m convinced… now zip it.
But back to the status updates. I can’t expect chicks with Pregnancy Brain to think about anyone other than themselves when they break the big news. But it would be nice if they could, especially if they know for a FACT that someone on their list of friends is struggling with infertility.
I think of it this way — why would you brag about something that doesn’t come easily to everyone, and is usually out of their control? You wouldn’t post these updates:
- “My paycheck is increasing to $62,350 next month! Frivolous spending here we come!”
- “Having married parents is so much better than divorced ones. I don’t know how you ‘broken home’ people do it.”
- “Just lost 10 pounds without trying. Why do people complain about losing weight, as if it’s difficult?”
“I feel so lucky,” my ass. Lucky to have good doctors, more likely. She actually thinks we believe those came from her eggs, but we know the truth.
I appreciate it when the Announcement Statuses acknowledge that getting pregnant is sometimes hard. “It took a year, but we are finally expecting!” or maybe “After approximately 37,000 hormone injections, we’re knocked up and couldn’t be happier!” At least the baby-free folks like me will know we’re not abnormal for having to put some effort into it.
Don’t be a lame Hollywood celebrity: “I’m almost 50 and magically pregnant with my second set of twins!” You’re not fooling anybody, Little Miss Fertility Clinic. Just friggin’ admit those kids look nothing like you because you used donor eggs. Marcia Cross, I’m talking to you.
Everyone looks at the world through their own lens, and right now, my lens is The Can’t-Get-Pregnant one. So I understand I will probably violate some of these rules myself when I am in a different place in this journey.
But please god, if I post an entire album of lame nursery photos, hunt me down and smack me. If that doesn’t work, you could always try waterboarding. 🙂
(If you’re trying to think of a way to break the news, here are some lame suggestions.)
Why stop now? Keep reading, friend.
December 7, 2012 Announcement Season If you're drafting a holiday pregnancy announcement status update, pause for just a moment before you tell the world.
June 28, 2011 “Should you be drinking? Aren’t you trying to get pregnant?” I do not even want to describe the fate that awaits he (or she) who stands between a grieving woman going through infertility and her ice-cold beer.
April 10, 2013 No offense, it’s just not my thing. A random woman on a Facebook forum's distaste for fertility drugs made me really angry. I think it's because infertility is no one's "thing."
December 22, 2011 Not a BFP. More like an LTP. Being pregnant is an absolute. You either are, or you're not. Right? That's what I always thought, but like many things in this dog-and-pony show, I am learning as I go.
March 11, 2012 Belly envy It's hard to be in public sporting your pregnant belly. That voice in the back of your head reminds you that not long ago, strolls through the mall could bring you to tears.
Hiya! I'm Lydia, aka Peanut Mom. I live in Iowa with my husband and two pretty amazing iVF babies, both the result of frozen transfers. My daughter "Peanut" is seven and my son "Squeak" is five. Here I write about parenting, life as a midwest mama, embryo donation, infertility, a sprinkling of DIY projects, and life's absurdity with a big helping of humor. Welcome!
not to offend here because I deeply sympathize with anyone who is having problems getting pregnant but I think it’s a bit ridiculous to attack women based on their excitement and way of announcing such a happy occasion. Why should I be any less happy about becoming a mom just because someone else can’t? It’s not my fault in any way and if I could do something to helo I would. But I can’t and I’m not going to sit around sad and quietly holding it in. There’s always someone worse off than you in one way or another and if you concern yourself with their problems everytime you want to say something you’ll go insane. Plus I find it a bit ironic that you even admit at the end of your article that you would be one of those women if you did get pregnant, it’s funny how the tables turn when your on the other side huh?
well first I would like to apologize if my comment came off as rude and insensitive, in no way did I mean to hurt or upset anyone because truly (and as unhelpful as this saying may be) I can not imagine being in your shoes. Secondly I just came across the article on my phone and did not realize that it was a blog speficially for infertility. To explian a little of where I’m coming from, my boss can not get pregnant and after two other teen girls at our work had kids she made numerous comments saying she would just die if one more of us got pregnant, and so forth and so on. Sure enough I was, so I spent the next couple of weeks sick to my stomach waiting to tell her because I knew how awful this was for her but it made it awkward and uncomfortable for me. As if being pregnant young wasn’t stressful enough. One of the girls that had her son before me had put him up for adoption, she also happened to be my best friend. I knew it was hard for her seeing me pregnant so I made sure to never bring the topic up unless specifically asked and yet she proceeded to make insulting comments and talk about me to others about how crappy I was making her feel by talking about it, despite my best efforts not to. It made my pregnancy very hard to have to always be concerned about losing my best friend over talking about something that around anyone else would be a normal and happy topic. I’m on my phone so I tried explaining that in as little words as possible so as not to waste your time so I hope it still explained my side a little because there’s obviously more detail to it all. Sorry for any typos also. I wish you and everyone out there having troubles the best luck in the world.
also, please don’t take that as a sad attempt at a sob story comparing what I went through to what your going through, in no way is that my intention. Like I said, I can’t imagine. I just feel that no one should be made to feel guilty over something that brings them happiness.
Katie, it sounds like you had a couple of rotten experiences with people who were very vocal about not wanting you to talk about your pregnancy. If you were sensitive to their feelings, that’s all anyone can ask for.
I don’t want to make anyone feel guilty for being happy. They have a right to be happy, especially if getting pregnant took them a while. I liken it to when you get a raise — you’re excited, but you are also aware others around you might not have gotten a raise, so you have to watch what you say. Same should go for pregnancy announcements. 🙂
You’ve completely missed the point of this blog. It’s not an attack, it’s a rant. Venting, really. You have your annoyances, I have mine. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it. 🙂
I do admit that i MIGHT be one of those girls when the time comes, but given what I’ve gone through, I know I’ll at least be sensitive to other people when I do make my announcement.
Hello,
I was glad to see this post. I really liked how you compared it to bragging out losing weight……I had two surprise family pg announcement this year on FB. It is really hard to find out on FB for the first time. You have no chance to process your emotions. I just saw the second one today. I was really hurt bc my cousin knows about my IF I saw her at Christmas and she was either trying or already pg and she never mentioned anything. So I searched the internet and found your post. It inspired me to make a FB post today that read something about April is IF awareness month, but some people need a refresher in etiquette. I then went on to say, please tell your close friend or family member first etc. and give them time to process. Thanks for having the courage to say this.
Yay! I’m so glad this helped you feel better after a rough day, Simone. Keep your chin up, sister. <3
Just read this blog (realizing it’s quite old) but it was what I needed to hear today. A friend of mine and I were both trying to get preg (she on her second baby, me on my first) and anyway- at the same time as I got my ‘not prego *again* this month’ news.. she’s pregnant. This would normally not be all that upsetting except that in a span of a week she’s posted no less than 2 dozen facebook posts about her early pregnancy symptoms and she’s already showing and ohmygod cupcakes are such a turn-off already-> firstly, you’re under 6 weeks and you’re not showing. Secondly, you know I’m trying and failing and maybe a little sensitivity in the frequency of happy news department is in order.
Anywho… she’s well on her way to temporarily blocked from my newsfeed status because it’s just making me upset. Is it so wrong to just say- hey, can you limit these things to once a week instead of once an hour for a little bit?
*thanks for the blog