When I’m sitting in meetings, or in traffic, or lying in bed at night before falling asleep, my mind wanders… like most do. I try to keep it from wandering into Baby #2 territory, but I can’t help it.

I can’t stop thinking about baby reveals.

One of the reasons we decided to keep this second Journey to Baby quiet is because we didn’t get to experience the “big reveal” with Peanut. It was no secret we were trying, because I blogged about it. I broke the news about our first failed IVF cycle here on the blog. I spilled the beans here when we got our “just a little bit pregnant” test result. And then again a few weeks into our pregnancy when an ultrasound showed that I was indeed pregnant.

Our good news was delivered to close family via phone calls… but it was always tempered with the knowledge that there was still a lot that could go wrong. The first post was just five weeks into the pregnancy, the second was just seven.  It was good news, with a heaping side of “don’t get too excited, it could all come crashing down.”

revealstarbucks

(This is seriously adorable. How clever!)

This time, I wanted the big tears-inducing reveal. The ones I see on YouTube and read about online (like this one on YouTube that makes me cry every time, and this one on my favorite DIY blog, Young House Love — scroll down to the old man in the birthday hat for the story).

I haven’t told my parents that we are trying again. None of my sisters know. A few close friends and a couple of coworkers, but that’s it.

And for me, that’s a pretty major accomplishment. I SUCK at secrets. Absolutely suck at them.

But I know that there’s a good chance our first attempt at Baby #2 won’t be successful. Maybe it’s a small chance… I don’t know. Nobody does. So I’m back at this familiar place of getting excited for something I want, something I am working toward — but trying to temper that excitement because there is a chance that it might not happen. Or it may take months longer than I want it to.

I’m not sure how we will reveal the news, if and when that happens, but I have a couple of ideas. One will require my husband’s video editing skills, and I was so excited about the idea, I really really wanted to tell him about it. But knowing his feelings toward this Baby #2 mission, I was afraid he’d be angry at me for getting all starry-eyed.

He actually loved the idea, and even had ideas top make it better.

Here it is:

A movie trailer-style video, narrated by a Dan LaFontaine-type voice. You know Dan LaFontaine’s voice — check it out in this YouTube mashup. The video opens when some action shots of Peanut. Playing with toys on the living room floor, or running through the yard. Sitting in her baby recliner next to the couch. The voiceover begins: “In a world where Peanut plays all alone. Where she has 100% of her parents’ attention. Where Peanut runs the house. In a world where Peanut is the baby of the family….”

And then the screen goes black.

Voiceover: “Everything is about to change.”

Then the screen lights up with the title of the movie: “Gender Unknown”

And quickly following it:  “Coming September 2014”  (and maybe a note about Directed by Peanut Mom and Peanut Dad)

I picture it in my head and it’s awesome. I can’t wait to create it (or rather, ask my husband to create it).

And to show it to our parents. And my sisters. And to see the veritable uproar of squeals when we post it on Facebook (hopefully made even more squeal-worthy because many people know that my husband ‘put his foot down’ about a second child).

My therapist says that it’s human nature to fantasize about what might be, especially if you want it badly and you are already taking steps toward achieving it. There’s no way to keep yourself from thinking about it. Trying NOT to think about it is kind of crazy. And unnecessarily pessimistic.

I’m the last person to be unnecessarily negative, but infertility has the ability to permanently change one’s level of optimism. I refuse to let it do that to me. At least, not yet.

I’ll keep the cart behind the horse. For now.

 

Why stop now? Keep reading, friend.

  • Resolutions for Year TwoAugust 20, 2013 Resolutions for Year Two 365 days of being a parent have taught me much. I have a few ideas of things I'll do differently in Peanut's Year #2.
  • The Big RevealApril 10, 2014 The Big Reveal We kept this second IVF attempt quiet so I could finally experience a true "pregnancy reveal." Here's how it all went down when we finally told our families.
  • The News, Part DeuxDecember 2, 2013 The News, Part Deux On pregnancy test day, I was done with the blood draw and at work by 7:30am. An hour later, my email pinged: "You have one new test result." My hands started to shake.
  • Clinging to HopeDecember 11, 2013 Clinging to Hope A great deal of blood, clumps of tissue, cramping... sounds like a textbook miscarriage. Not in every case. And not in my case either, it seems.
  • A lesson in statisticsNovember 14, 2013 A lesson in statistics I've made it over the first hurdle in this process -- my pre-transfer ultrasound. Now my mind is swimming with statistics, and I'm terrified about making it through the next steps.
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