You know that whole “don’t judge me ’til you’ve walked a mile in my shoes” thing I am always preaching?
I realized today that I am really, really bad at following my own advice.
I never understood those women who were going through infertility and simply couldn’t be around pregnant women, newborns, or toddlers. They turned down invites to baby showers, stayed away from shopping malls, and scowled at pregnant bellies. I thought they were overdramatic and taking things way too seriously.
Right up until I became one of them. And it happened when I heard the news: IVF cycle #1 was a big fat negative.
Well, I’m not completely one of those bitter infertiles. I am not quite that unhinged, yet. I still snuggle my nephews and niece, and talk to coworkers about their kiddos. But I am starting to understand what the Drama Mommas feel when they reach that point.
Get off my stinkin’ newsfeed
I’m hesitant to admit it, but I hit an embarrassing milestone in my infertility this week. I hid someone with a newborn from my Facebook News Feed. I felt terrible after I did it. But after I broke the ice with one, I hid two more. To be honest, it was a huge relief.
Let me be clear. Those women aren’t doing a damn thing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad. Inevitably, I’ll get a hard time for this, like many women in my position do. The baby-owners sometimes get angry, wondering why we can’t just be happy for them?
But I am happy for them. It’s just buried way down deep, in a place I can’t connect with at this moment. My own anger is taking center stage, and I’m sorry — I’m not a big enough person to squelch it. I wish I were. I didn’t expect to arrive in Bitterville and Snarkytown, but it happened anyway. Hello, unattractive and embarrassing emotion! Can you leave now?
It’s like being the poorest person in a group of friends. You can only stand so many new cars and iPads under your nose. Yep, I’m jealous (unless the baby is really bad sleeper or very unattractive; then I’m not — tee hee). Mostly it’s anger at the world for giving someone else the means to get a new car/iPad/baby when people who work really hard for it get ZIP.
I sacrificed — a LOT. My butt is STILL black and blue from the injections, and in kickboxing class, I had to hold onto both cheeks during the high-knee running. My ass is still killing from the PIO shots.
Screw you, world. I’m taking my ball and going home.