You know that whole “don’t judge me ’til you’ve walked a mile in my shoes” thing I am always preaching?

I realized today that I am really, really bad at following my own advice.

Bitter infertiles

I never understood those women who were going through infertility and simply couldn’t be around pregnant women, newborns, or toddlers. They turned down invites to baby showers, stayed away from shopping malls, and scowled at pregnant bellies. I thought they were overdramatic and taking things way too seriously.

Right up until I became one of them.  And it happened when I heard the news: IVF cycle #1 was a big fat negative.

Well, I’m not completely one of those bitter infertiles. I am not quite that unhinged, yet. I still snuggle my nephews and niece, and talk to coworkers about their kiddos. But I am starting to understand what the Drama Mommas feel when they reach that point.

Get off my stinkin’ newsfeed

I’m hesitant to admit it, but I hit an embarrassing milestone in my infertility this week. I hid someone with a newborn from my Facebook News Feed. I felt terrible after I did it. But after I broke the ice with one, I hid two more. To be honest, it was a huge relief.

Let me be clear. Those women aren’t doing a damn thing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad. Inevitably, I’ll get a hard time for this, like many women in my position do. The baby-owners sometimes get angry, wondering why we can’t just be happy for them?

But I am happy for them. It’s just buried way down deep, in a place I can’t connect with at this moment. My own anger is taking center stage, and I’m sorry — I’m not a big enough person to squelch it. I wish I were. I didn’t expect to arrive in Bitterville and Snarkytown, but it happened anyway. Hello, unattractive and embarrassing emotion! Can you leave now?

It’s like being the poorest person in a group of friends. You can only stand so many new cars and iPads under your nose. Yep, I’m jealous (unless the baby is really bad sleeper or very unattractive; then I’m not — tee hee). Mostly it’s anger at the world for giving someone else the means to get a new car/iPad/baby when people who work really hard for it get ZIP.

Moving onward

I sacrificed — a LOT. My butt is STILL black and blue from the injections, and in kickboxing class, I had to hold onto both cheeks during the high-knee running. My ass is still killing from the PIO shots.

Screw you, world.  I’m taking my ball and going home.

Screw you guys, I’m going home. But actually I just put him here because everything is better with a little Cartman.

 

 

Why stop now? Keep reading, friend.

  • Lucky BitchesApril 24, 2013 Lucky Bitches Though my infertility is technically history, the experience -- and the feelings that came with it -- never truly goes away.
  • Belly envyMarch 11, 2012 Belly envy It's hard to be in public sporting your pregnant belly. That voice in the back of your head reminds you that not long ago, strolls through the mall could bring you to tears.
  • A Questionable QuestionJuly 19, 2013 A Questionable Question Is it ever okay to ask someone if their twins are the result of in vitro fertilization? Because sometimes, I really really want to ask.
  • Do you want it? Welp, you can’t have it.September 1, 2011 Do you want it? Welp, you can’t have it. I'm not a boozy hound on a normal day, but I like a beer every once in a while. Maybe once a week. I wasn't really wanting one, right up until they said I couldn't have one.
  • “You need to [gain/lose] weight.”June 7, 2011 “You need to [gain/lose] weight.” There are few times in life where people feel it's OK give you advice on your weight. Unfortunately, when you are trying to get pregnant is one of those times.